Isn't this kind of harsh? I mean - wow. Insecurity might not have been as good as security would have been but I'm sure it was trying at least! I mean it might have put me through proverbial hell but at least it saved me from boredom and I mean - the insecurity was crippling but MAN did it fill the lonely nights I otherwise would have spent feeling content and loved.
That paragraph sounds stupid. Because it is. It also sounds like the conversation I have in my head all the time. Because it is. I do not let things go. I do not let anything brush off of my shoulder. I love all. I keep all. I fix all. Which would be wonderful if "loving all" didn't mix with an obsessive need to protect, defend, and justify. If "keeping all" didn't weigh me down with a LOT of things I don't need to keep. And if I were actually physically capable of fixing it all. But I'm not. Every once in awhile, as harsh as it sounds - it's okay to say things like "So long. You've been a bad friend to me." Especially if it's true. Because lies are pretty. But they're empty. And frustrating. And exhausting. And making things what they're not - it's impossible.
Step One: Pray this beautiful, wonderful, necessary prayer and let it go.
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference."
Step Two: Move on to the rest of the prayer.
"Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will."
Someone asked my sister what I enjoyed doing. She couldn't tell them. I couldn't tell her. I have allowed all of the enjoyment to be sucked out of my life. People did things. Things happened. There are circumstances I cannot control but I can control this one. And I'll take the blame. I have allowed all of the enjoyment to be sucked out of my life.
I have been immensely blessed. And I need to realize it. So,
You may see me. You might not. Because I'm about to head off to enjoy my life y'all. And I realized that many of the things I enjoy don't effect you at all. I enjoy them because they are for me.
Writing - in my journal. Singing - in the shower. Dancing - in my room. Lounging - in my pajamas. Visiting - the girls in the dorms after curfew. Photographing - insignificant moments that used to matter. Typing - e-mails only one other person will ever see. Sharing - my opinion with a single voice on the other end of the phone line. Texting - my best boy at 2 A.M. Reading - with Deandra after midnight. Praying - in the prayer room.
And I am going to be "reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next."
I recently discovered that I don't have to answer the phone. And I don't have to answer the door. But I do have to answer for what I did with my days. And I don't intend to spend the rest of them miserable.
"Amen."
